If you’ve been through one of our seminars, you’ll remember our focus on “being” a fully committed listener. Over and over again, testimonials come to us about the power of just listening. Here’s an example. A middle school principal in Texas made the decision to “just listen” when her college daughter recently returned from a trip to Israel. The principal, Robin, who is a totally committed wife, parent and school leader, faced a personal challenge of listening without the need to judge, fix or tell. Her plan was to pick her daughter up from the airport, drive her back to her college and just listen. When asked how it was for Robin, she said, “It’s clear evidence to me – for me and the person I’m in conversation with – that the conversation was more meaningful when I gave it my full attention.”

If it’s clear to Robin and to all of us that full attention is the pathway to deeper understanding and relationship, what keeps us from doing what we know makes the big difference?

We propose, and scientific evidence backs it up, that unless we are intentional, a.k.a. purposely placing our energy and full attention toward the other person, our brain will go off on its own as it takes in stimuli from the outside world – or inside our head.

One way to determine if you are fully attending is to reflect on your last conversation and do a little spot check.

As the other person was speaking, which comment below best matches your listening method?

1. I was not fully listening, and I knew it. My mind was elsewhere.
2. I was listening but kept making personal connections and began to share my own story about a similar situation. As I listened, I was making judgments and talked more than the other person. I missed critical parts of the speaker’s message.
3. I was focused on what the other person was saying and whenever I felt myself mentally moving away from the speaker, I quickly came back. It was like I was inside a space with the speaker and we were watching together the story that was being described. I was seeking to understand.
4. As I listened, I had a softer focus so that I could take in more from the environment. I could feel energy between the speaker and myself. It was as if my senses were on high alert. I could sense changes in the speaker’s tone and moods. My intuition was working and I’d bring it into my responses – sometimes in the form of metaphors and imagery, testing out what I was feeling from what the speaker was saying, and always offering it as a possibility rather than a certainty.

As Coaches and Coach Leaders, our intent is to listen as described in number 4 as much as possible, and if not number 4 then let’s at least listen as expressed in number 3. How do we get to these levels? We practice, and then reflect back on how we did. We set goals to continue to improve. We stay committed to listen in such a way that the person talking feels heard, understood, respected and supported in reaching greater clarity with their thinking and anticipated actions.