Mary Beth O’Neill speaks of reactivity management in her book, Executive Coaching with Backbone and Heart. She offers that “increasing your tolerance for your own anxiety is by nature a nearly unbearable experience because the pull of the old reactivity is so strong. However, you can take steps to help yourself arrive on the other side.”

She offers these steps for managing our reactions and demonstrating greater emotional intelligence:

1. Identify the trigger to your reactivity.
2. Learn your typical reaction to the trigger.
3. Choose an alternative response to pursue a different path.
4. Stay on track with the goal you have set for yourself in the meeting.

Further, she states that while these are the necessary conditions for managing reactions, without the appropriate mindset of a willingness to stretch beyond our current abilities and patterns, our results will be the same. Once the mindset is present, identifying the trigger in specific situations will be the first step. This will be unique to each person. The trigger might be a person’s tone of voice, certain content, or a negative attitude.

Reactivity is a response that happens automatically and subconsciously. So, the 2nd step is to notice your own pattern of response. Noticing your habit is the intent of this step and holds the potential for impacting what you do or say next – how do you respond to the specific trigger?

This, then, allows you to plan and choose an alternative response. As we always say, “You have options!” Considering this step NOW when you are calm will equip you for the response you want in the heat of the moment. Finally, this will help you stay on track with your goal of being less reactive, thus boosting your emotional intelligence.

In what ways are you managing your reactions when under stress?

O’Neill, Mary Beth. Executive Coaching with Backbone and Heart (2007). San Francisco, CA: Josey-Bass.