Continuing our social media focus on ways to boost our emotional intelligence while managing our reactions to others, we will learn a strategy offered by Tasha Eurich in her book Insight. Previously, we looked at Mary Beth O’Neill’s four steps for reactivity management and Jill Bolte Taylor’s 90 Second Rule.

Eurich offers the 3R Model – Receive – Reflect on – and Respond within the context of receiving feedback. She says it helps us “learn how to resist the siren song of denial and hear difficult or surprising feedback with open ears and an open mind.” Her model includes the following components:

• Receive – Beneath this step, is a recognition of the opportunity to gain self-awareness which in and of itself, is emotional intelligence. Practicing the 90 Second Rule, gives us the pause to resist “fight or flight” and stay present for the value that may be in the feedback. By framing a question or two, we have the opportunity to mine the insight potential of the feedback. Those questions may sound like:
  • What am I feeling? – naming the trigger as talked about earlier.
  • What am I doing that causes the other person to see me this way? – This question moves us from the passenger seat to the driver’s seat and changes the conversation from a ‘trial by fire’ to a ‘fact-finding mission’.
  • What are specific examples that support your feedback?

• Reflect On – This step avoids the temptation to “jump right in” by providing time to figure out what the feedback means and how to respond to it. In other words, it’s letting the feedback “rattle around in our head” for a while. Three questions are helpful in the reflective process.
  • Do I understand this feedback? – Check it out (feedback) by collecting more data from others whom we value and trust to be honest with us.
  • How will this affect my long-term success and well-being? Eurich offers this rule of thumb – “Feedback from one person is a perspective; feedback from two people is a pattern; but feedback from three or more people is likely to be as close to a fact as you can get.”
  • Do I want to act on this feedback, and if so, how? – This is your decision point to act or not.

• Respond – This step springs from the final question in the reflective process – If so, how? Thankfully, you have learned coaching language that supports you in how you respond to the feedback. Eurich, concludes her model with this quotation,

“This is a compelling lesson:

If we can receive feedback with grace, reflect on it with courage, and respond to it with purpose, we are capable of unearthing unimaginable insights from the most unlikely places.”

What is your best strategy for boosting your emotional intelligence in the heat of the moment?

Eurich, Tascha. Insight (2017). New York, NY: Crown Publishing Group.