“The most fundamental coaching skill is listening. Listening is not the passive process it seems because it involves dedicated attention to the other person and exquisite attention to the language they are using.” Jenny Rogers

In addition to the “Listen Fors” noted in this month’s Ezine, our continuous study of coaching has introduced us to authors who have strongly influenced our thinking with regard to listening. A few of those are Sara Orem’s Appreciative Coaching and Kegan and Lahey’s work in How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work. This learning combined with our conversations with you, resulted in the notion of “Listening For” opportunities for reframing. In particular, these three reframes have made a significant difference in our listening. When we hear negative, we flip it to the positive, a problem becomes a quest for a solution, and a complaint turns into a commitment of what the person really wants.

• From negative to positive
• From problem to solution
• From complaint to commitment

From Negative to Positive. Visit any bookstore and you will see shelves devoted to the power of positivity. Longer life, greater joy, and increased happiness are a few of the benefits noted in the literature. One side effect of our work is our almost insane attention to language. What we notice is that negativity permeates our language. Therefore, we have embraced the opportunity to create awareness around the choices we make with our language. In fact, presumption of positive intent is our standard and expectation for how we work. We have seen the power potential in our own work and we practice it even when we are not with you.

Barbara Fredrickson, positive psychology researcher and author of Positivity, states, “Daily experiences of positive emotions forecast and produce growth in personal resources such as competence, meaning, optimism, resilience, self-acceptance, positive relationships, as well as physical health.” We reference her work in our goal to encourage a ratio of three positive comments to one negative comment to foster growth and resilience. Our aim is to counteract the negative comments still prevalent in many of our workplaces and other environments.

From Problem to Solution. Because language matters our attention to it is critically important. What observations are you making as you compare the language in the left column to the language in the right column?

Figure 1. Changing a Conversation from Problem Focused to Solution Focused

Problem Focused		Solution Focused
Why didn’t you hit the target?	vs.	What are you planning to do next time to hit the targets?
Why did this happen?	vs.	What do you want to achieve here?
When or where did it all start to go wrong?	vs.	How do you want to move this forward?
Why do you think you are not good at this?	vs.	What are ways you want to develop strength in this area?
What’s wrong with your team?	vs.	What strategies are you putting in place for your team to succeed?
Why did you do that?	vs.	What are you thinking you want to do now?
Who’s responsible for this?	vs.	How shall we best achieve this?
Why isn’t this working?	vs.	What steps do we want to put in place to make this work?

Source: Adapted from Appreciative Coaching, Solution Focused Brief Therapy©2007

The most frequent response to the chart is, “The left side does NOT presume positive intent.” We also hear there is blame and finger pointing that accompanies the comments on the left-hand side. On the right-hand side, comments include presumption of positive intent, believing in the person to find their own solutions, and a focus on the present or future rather than the past.

In one of our recent seminars, a participant spoke up, saying, “These questions are in the present progressive tense!” She then laughed about always being sent to the principal’s office as a student because she was constantly correcting her teachers. The verbalization of her “Aha!” moment provided clarity to us, along with another way to speak about the language of coaching. The present progressive tense indicates continuing action—something happening now or what will happen in the future. Present progressive language keeps us in the present and future rather than moving us backward or keeping us mired in the past.

Focusing on the problem makes the problem larger, deeper, and stickier. Reframing problem to solution surfaces options, possibilities, and the promise of resolution.

From Complaint to Commitment. One of our most profound insights came with the study of Kegan and Lahey’s work. This quote alone shifted our thinking in significant ways.

“We believe that people wouldn’t complain about anything unless they cared about something. Underneath the surface torrent of complaints and cynical humor and eye-rolling, there is a hidden river of passion and commitment which is the reason the complaints even exist.”

–Robert Kegan

Kegan’s quote represents a game changer because it rewires our brain to listen for what the person really cares about instead of what they are complaining about. Secondly, it offers a potential shift to the thinking of the other person when we reframe what they have said.

What makes these reframes important? In coaching, a reframe holds the potential for a cognitive shift that opens up new thinking, new directions, and an enhanced emotion. Moving from “can’t do” to “I’ve got this” or “I’m on my way to getting it” aligns the energy and emotion for action, creating awareness for the person about what they really want.

As you reflect on your most recent conversations, how are you changing the motivation, energy, and thinking of the person by offering a reframe?