Real transformations in life sometimes happens when you least expect it.  One of my major transformations happened twelve years ago, when the National Staff Development Council (now Learning Forward) initiated a bodacious project.  Dennis Sparks, then Executive Director, thought that every principal and superintendent in high poverty schools should have the benefit of a coach to help them do their hard work of school reform.  I was invited to participate.   Was I interested?  I was a successful school administrator and looking for a new opportunity, but I had absolutely no knowledge about coaching except that Dennis said it was life-changing and I liked to help people and systems change.    It was crazy for me to consider an idea I knew so little about, but in my gut it felt like the chance of a lifetime.

What I learned was that coaching, like life, is all about relationships.   And the richness of life is measured by the quality of the relationships we have.   So here are some wonderful life lessons I have learned from my coaching.

In coaching I learned that when people focus on their strengths and take action from that vantage point, they flourish.  So in my own relationships, especially with my adult daughters, I stopped trying to make them “perfect” by noticing all the things they weren’t doing “right” (at least in my eyes!).   Instead, I began to notice and celebrate all the things they were doing well.

Lesson #1: When you show up focusing on your children’s strengths, you become a caring friend rather than a meddling parent.

In coaching I learned that committed listening is a gift that people crave.  So I started listening to my friends and close family members without wearing my “problem solver hat.” 

Lesson #2: Just listening—REALLY listening—is the best, and easiest, way to become a highly trusted, wise friend.

In coaching I learned that “being” is as important as “doing.”  We help our clients get clear about their core values and life goals so that they can show up authentically in whatever actions they take.   So now when I want to have an important conversation with a friend or colleague, I carefully examine my own intentions and goals first.  This increases the potential that I say my message clearly and leave the emotional wake behind. 

Lesson #3: Knowing your own intentions and purpose helps you let go of emotional baggage and allows your authentic self to show through more clearly.

Spending time building relationships is some of the most important work you can do.  Before you know it, your life is transformed by simple actions that change and deepen your relationships.  The payoff is having more joy and meaning in your life.

by Marceta Reilly
Coaching for Results Global

Marceta Reilly, PCC, is a leadership coach and faculty member for Coaching For Results.  She is co-author with Linda Gross Cheliotes of the book, Coaching Conversations: Transforming Your School One Conversation At a Time, which is on the Corwin Press best seller list.  A second book by the same co-authors entitled Coaching Conversations in Your Daily Practice is due for publication in the Spring of 2012.