LISTENING is an act of caring and generosity. It seems so easy, yet consistently it ranks the lowest rated behaviors in the 360-degree feedback assessment for leaders. Dan McCarthy says it’s a leadership disease – PLS – Poor Listening Syndrome. Listening first to understand is one of the most important skills of ‘coach leaders’ to support growth, reflection and change in others.

What makes listening so difficult? Let’s consider some reasons and some strategies for improving.

Dennis Sparks writes in Leading for Results, “Committed listening transforms relationships and deepens learning. Its skillful use requires practice and discipline.”

One of the most important skills for any ‘coach leader’ is listening. Listening demonstrates respect, concern, an openness to new ideas, empathy, compassion, curiosity, trust, loyalty, and receptivity to feedback – all considered to be qualities of an effective leader.

Actually, it’s not just leaders that don’t listen – it’s also employees, husbands, wives, kids, students, teachers, and just about any human being with two ears. So, if listening is such an important leadership skill and it’s an ability we were born with, why do so many leaders get feedback that say they are poor listeners?

Dan McCarthy from Great Leadership explored the issue of listening with several managers when he reviewed their 360 assessment results. Here are the seven most frequent reasons for being a poor listener, and a prescription for each cause:

1. 1. They don’t know they are poor listeners – it’s a blind spot. A behavioral blind spot is the gap between our intentions and our behaviors. We see ourselves as a good listener, but others don’t. Given that candid feedback is such a rare commodity, we are clueless about our flaws until they are pointed out by others. And even when they are, we sometimes still deny they exist (fight or flight).

      The cure: Get some feedback. Feedback is a gift, and awareness is the key to self-development.

 

1. 1. They don’t understand the value of listening. McCarthy will often have to spend time explaining the impact of poor listening to managers, either in a coaching session or in a training class. Sometimes he’ll demonstrate it. At some point, the light goes on, and for the first time in their lives they get it. These are the same leaders who are often having issues in their personal lives, with their friends and family, and poor listening is often the culprit.

      The cure: Read the research, discuss the importance of listening with others, and experience the positive effects when you focus on improving your listening skills!

 

1. 1. They don’t know how to listen. Leaders often get low scores in listening but insist they understand the importance of listening and that they DO listen. While this may be true (good intentions), others see behaviors that convey a lack of listening.

      The cure: Listening skills are relatively easy behaviors to learn, with a little awareness, discipline, intention and practice. Remember TARP. (Time, Attention, Repetition & Positive Feedback). They include:

      • Making eye contact
      • Head nodding
      • An open posture
      • Leaning forward
      • Arms uncrossed
      • Using encouraging phrases such as “go on”, “tell me more”, “uh huh”, or anything to show that you are paying attention
      • Paraphrasing (repeating back in your own words to check for understanding – like you learned in Powerful Paraphrasing. Bottom lining it!
      • Take a Results Coaching Training seminar or read our Results Coaching books, observe others, practice, and get feedback. Like any new skill, it will feel unnatural at first, but with deliberate practice, the skill soon becomes a habit.

      More reasons…

   2. They are impatient, smart, or easily distracted. OK, these are actually three separate, but sometimes related causes. Highly successful, intelligent, type A leaders often find it difficult to slow down and take the extra time to listen. They jump ahead and want to finish someone’s sentence, use hand gestures to speed someone along, or their minds start racing on to other issues and thoughts. Smartphone checking is a symptom of this impatience and habitual multi-tasking.

      The cure: Shut the door, turn off the smartphone, focus, and give the person in front of you 100% of your attention. Think of it as a gift and observe the difference in how others respond.

 

1. 1. They listen selectively. This reason is one of the most common and becomes apparent with 360-degree assessment results. The leader shows high in listening for the boss and superiors, but low with peers or direct reports.

      The cure: The skills are there – you just must apply them consistently!

 

1. 1. They don’t value people at all. Leaders won’t admit this, but when they try to justify their low listening scores, it becomes apparent that they just don’t see value in paying attention to what others have to say. They just may not be interested in people. In the worst cases, it’s extreme arrogance.

      The cure: Fake it until you make it. If you can convince a leader that it is in their own selfish self-interest to at least pretend they are listening, they might be willing to mimic listening behaviors. Yes, it’s not authentic, and some people will see through it, but sometimes if you practice a behavior long enough, you get good at it, and you start to become the behavior.

 

1. They have poor hearing. I know this from personal experience, when a caring leader told McCarthy that others were complaining that he didn’t listen to them. That, and his wife complaining that the TV was too loud.

   The cure: Get your hearing checked, and if you are told you need hearing aids (and can afford them), get it done. Your family and employees will appreciate it, and you’ll find out what you’ve been missing.

Your best gifts to others are your time and your full presence by listening. Let’s all keep practicing and growing in this crucial communication skill.

Kathryn Kee, PCC

Reference: Great Leadership by Dan McCarthy (October 2018)