“I need to have a conversation with someone, but for some reason I’m holding off, or I’m not sure of the best approach to take.” That is a statement that we at RCG hear over and over again, even from highly successful leaders. What is it that causes people, including high-flying leaders, to hesitate before having a conversation with a colleague or subordinate? It is certainly not for lack of support on how best to have the conversation. In fact, during a recent Internet search for books on having conversations, 48,225 were listed as possible options. Clearly, there is no shortage of books about a variety of processes and practices with regard to conversations, yet leaders continue to seek best approaches to use when holding conversations with others.

What is the purpose of any conversation? We believe the intent within any conversation, whether personal or professional is for human beings to interact through the use of words and feelings to communicate thoughts and ideas, make connections, understand from different perspectives, gain clarity, and consider possible actions as a result of the conversation. Notice the descriptors of a successful conversation. They are to:

• Be together so that you can see and hear each other.
• Have interaction of thoughts, feelings and ideas between individuals.
• Make/strengthen connections.
• Understand from different perspectives.
• Gain clarity.
• Consider possible actions.

There is a secret to having successful conversations and it’s one that we are eager to share. It consists of three important points. For this article, let’s call them Take Three for Conversations.

1. Listen. Enter the conversation with the intent to listen and understand from the other person’s perspective. Yes, we get it that there are times when the leader is to speak first and the other person is to listen. However, in most cases it is much better for you to ask, to listen and then respond. If you have done work with us in the past, you know from personal experience that once another person feels heard, really heard, they will relax and engage.
2. Show that you understand. This best happens when you paraphrase the essence of what the other person has said. This is another trademark of our work. Your paraphrase does not mean that you agree – it means that you understand, or are trying to understand. Paraphrases are short and are stated in ways that focus on the other person’s feelings and main point(s).
   1. “You were surprised that you did not hear about this sooner.”
   2. “You feel like you are standing alone on a foreign dock.”
   3. “You want to be more involved in your child’s education.”
3. Model an attitude of respect. If you have been through our seminars, you also know that we place a heavy emphasis on presuming positive intent on behalf of the other person, or entire groups of people. Your language can either make or break the conversation. Voice tone matters and so does the way you pose a question or make a statement. Which question or statement below would you rather receive?
   1. “Can you do what is expected, or do I have to write you up?”
   2. “Stop talking and do as I say!”
   3. “How are you thinking that you would like to proceed so that we move forward in a productive manner?”
   4. “What ideas are coming to mind for you that you would like to share?”

Try these three steps out and see what a difference it makes for you. And, if you have not yet experienced the power of one of our seminars, sign up today for Leadership Coaching for High Performance or Instructional Coaching or contact us to come directly to your district. That’s a step that you will be very glad you took!