Every school leader wants to hold conversations that matter. They know this is not something you enter into lightly. It takes thoughtful preparation. This is why we spent a whole chapter in our new book on The Power of Conversations (Results Coaching Next Steps, 2017) and other chapters on the mindset and behaviors of a Coach Leader. In this brief article, we will offer three critical components to consider as you prepare for your next conversations.

1. Start Strong (with Trust)

   If you have been to one of our seminars, you know how much emphasis we place on the importance of providing a safe and non-threatening atmosphere for holding a conversation with another person. This emphasis comes from the neuroscience that tells us that people’s brains are scanning for safety. When people walk into your office, they are quickly determining if they can trust that everything will be okay for them. When you call them by name and offer them a comfortable place to sit – you are providing a feeling of status and a sense of fairness.Small things like a smile, a handshake, calling someone by name, having a place to sit where you both feel comfortable can make a huge difference. The only time the leader sits behind his/her desk is when s/he is purposefully making a statement of authority.

   Here is an example of a meeting starter:

   “Hello, Jane. Thanks for being here on time and ready to go. You are always punctual for any meeting you attend, and that speaks to your level of professionalism and respect for others. I’m looking forward to spending this time with you. Let’s sit over here where we can be comfortable. How are you today, Jane?”

2. Provide an Overview of the Meeting Purpose and Agenda and Seek Agreements

   We have also learned from neuroscience that people want certainty. This is why we begin with a meeting purpose and key points to be addressed in the meeting. Even if you have provided an overall explanation for your summative meetings with teachers, it’s important to begin with an overview of what is to be addressed, as well as the anticipated time for the meeting.Example:

   “Jane, as you know, the purpose of this meeting is for us to have a conversation regarding the goals you set for yourself for this school year and the ways in which you have accomplished these goals. I’m eager to hear about your accomplishments, to see your artifacts supporting goal achievement, to listen to your possible challenges, and to hear what you have learned about yourself as a teacher and about your students as you have progressed through these goals. I will be asking you some questions along the way, and a big part of today will be me listening to you as you talk and share about your own development. As we come to a close, we will finalize paperwork, completing all of these components in our 30 minutes of scheduled time. How does this sound to you?” (Teacher agrees.) “Where would you like to begin?”

   Notice the tone of the overview, non-threatening and offering certainty about what is to happen. This provides a feeling of fairness to the teacher; another important component of what the neuroscience is saying that people want. Asking the teacher to determine where to begin offers a sense of autonomy, another important component of a conversation.

3. Be A Committed Listener

   One of the most important skills of a leader is to listen – really listen. Committed listening speaks volumes. It demonstrates a deep dedication to understand the person speaking, as you offer your time, attention and energy. It calls for you to quiet the voices in your head so that you can hear – really hear with your eyes and your ears. Some say it’s listening with soft eyes and ears. A committed listener listens to the language and the emotions of the speaker. S/he also listens to what has not yet been put into words. It’s listening in the open spaces and it is listening “for” clues that the speaker is sharing with you.Recently, I demonstrated a mid-year conversation with a highly dedicated teacher before a group of school principals. I met the teacher about five minutes before our demonstration began, with the intent of making a personal connection to ease as much tension as possible for her. Personally, I can’t even imagine being a young teacher having a conversation about my goals with a consultant, and in front of a group of principals.

   As we began the conversation, I sought to do the things presented in step 1 and 2 above. All was going well in what she was eagerly sharing until it dawned on me – almost toward the end of the brief 10 minute conversation that there was a very important question that I had yet to ask and had intended to do so much earlier in the conversation. I said, “When we end this conversation, besides our conclusions on the goal you have brought today, what would you most like to walk away with as a result of this conversation?” To my surprise she said in a soft and slow voice, “I’d like some ideas on how to stay motivated.” I looked up from my paper and saw in her eyes something I had almost missed. She was very serious, and it felt as if I was seeing her from a much deeper perspective. This was a bright teacher genuinely seeking something of critical importance to her– how to stay motivated in challenging times so that she in turn could motivate her students. My heart skipped a beat. Here we were – almost out of time and we were at the most important place in the conversation. I said, “I would love to talk more with you about motivation and am very willing to set up another time for us to talk, if you are interested.” She quickly agreed. Why? I hope it was because she knew I would not judge, that I genuinely cared and that I could see that she was asking for support, rather than advice. We set up a time to meet by video.

   What did I do during that next conversation? I listened. I am not sure how much difference it made and yet – it was a gift I wanted to give – my time, my attention and my listening.

   This is our challenge for you. You are very busy. You have many demands. And yet, one of the most important things you can do for your teachers is to listen, really listen to them. It is truly part of a conversation that matters.