In today’s contentious and often polarizing dynamic, we search for effective ways to connect and understand others with whom we disagree.  In conflict, emotion is always part of the equation. Duhigg offers Looping for Understanding as one way people with opposing viewpoints are more able and likely to listen to understand another, rather than listening to respond with their own points of view or to refute or argue a position.

Looping for understanding is a three-part process.  You will recognize the power of paraphrasing in this process.  Note that the listener takes a neutral stance—neither agreeing nor disagreeing with the speaker.

1. The listener asks open-ended questions. These may not be answered only with “yes” or “no”.
2. The listener paraphrases or reflects what the speaker said using speaker’s own words.
3. The listener asks, “How well does what I said capture what you meant?”

This process continues until the speaker agrees that the listener understands their position or view of the situation.

The process repeats with the listener becoming the speaker.  The speaker again takes the neutral stance of listening to understand.

Both speakers (and listeners) discuss their individual thoughts or vulnerabilities uncovered during the process.  It is important to remember that this process is designed to bring about mutual understanding of points of view and not to argue or convince another that one point of view is the “right” one and another the “wrong” one.  The process is aimed at diffusing conflict, not to gain control of another’s thinking or emotions.