Death and dying is not a comfortable topic for most.  It is often full of sadness and loss.   Its presence has been very real for me.   During the last few days, I have been with my Dad who is in his final stages.  At 99 he has lived a productive, joyful life and is very happy to be headed home to be with so many he loved who have gone before him.  As I stand beside him through this journey I have experienced many conversations that are new for me.  His caregivers tend to him, the hospice workers monitor his every change and all of these earthly angels talk to me about how I am doing.  One repeated message was so familiar… the message to me to stop trying to do…  just “witness his struggle.”

I wasn’t expecting to hear this phrase in this arena of life.  “Witness the struggle” is the amazing paraphrase and way of being I learned in 1982 from a wise psychologist working with our district teachers of gifted students.  In discussing how to deal with difficult people, discourteous people, or rude people he offered this powerful principle to me… “People rationally know you can’t give them all they want; they know you can’t always do what they want; but they demand that you “witness their struggle.”  How many hundreds of times have those wise words successfully impacted my life and career?   The parents who were so angry with a principal and simply hearing from his boss, “You are very angry and want his supervisors to know how unprofessional you believed he was,” to which complete calmness emerged.   The teenager who was emotionally distraught over an argument with her friend, “your friend has hurt you deeply,” to which emotion softened.   The teacher who is frustrated with the lack of motivation in her students, “You care so deeply for your students it makes you angry because you want more for them than they seem to want for themselves right now,” to which clarity emerged.

In this current sacred arena I find myself, “witness the struggle” seems to demonstrate once again its power.  The power to just “be” with others.  Not to fix, do, tell, advise… just be fully present in the situation and emotion of the time.  When my Dad seemed to be in pain, the whisper in his ear… “it’s hurting and you are wanting restfulness.”   The hospice angel saying to me, “You are so sad to lose him and yet you are celebrating his final hours with you.”  The nurse who tended him so lovingly saying to me, “the love and admiration the two of you have for each other is evident.”

From birth to death people want to have a voice, to matter and to be heard.  Releasing the need to do anything but simply “witness the struggle” is a gift that costs nothing and reassures every spirit by simply knowing I am heard, I matter, I am important.

by Kathy Kee, PCC
Coaching for Results Global