This month we’re centered on three important behaviors of a coach as she meets with her client in a coaching conversation, virtually or in person. Earlier, we considered important ways for a coach to prepare for a coaching conversation. Today, let’s zoom in on an important way to be in the coaching conversation. It begins with a mindset of belief in your client, and making a deep connection with him or her. The International Coach Federation (ICF) speaks about connecting to your client, even though they may not use those exact words. I’ve picked up on the word through work I’ve done with Carly Anderson, MCC and (an) ICF assessor.

A quality coaching connection is one in which the coach is connected to the whole person of the client, also known as the “who” or the humanness of the client as well as “what” the client wants to accomplish in the coaching session. As a coach, you are curious about and interested in the client. For example:

• Who are you?
• What are your dreams and desires?
• How do you view your world?
• What are your strongest values that determine how you make your decisions?
• What drains your energy?
• What keeps you energized?

ICF expects, and Results Coaching Global agrees, that professional coaches demonstrate coaching presence as they work with clients. Notice how these competencies align with making connections with your client.

Coaching Presence

1. Coach acts in response to both the whole person of the client and what the client wants to accomplish in the session.

2. Coach is observant, empathetic, and responsive.

3. Coach notices and explores energy shifts in the client.

4. Coach exhibits curiosity with the intent to learn more.

5. Coach partners with the client by supporting the client to choose what happens in the session.

6. Coach partners with the client by inviting the client to respond in any way to the coach’s contributions and accepts the client’s response.

7. Coach partners with the client by playing back the client’s expressed possibilities for the client to choose from.

8. Coach partners with the client by encouraging the client to formulate his or her own learning.

I recently observed a brief coaching demonstration where a robot was the coach. The robot had been programmed to make comments and ask questions, and yet – thank goodness – no robot can make an authentic and deep connection with a client. That calls for two human beings to connect both head and heart together in a creative and thought-provoking conversation.

Trust is a big component of connecting with your client. It’s like the peanut butter in a peanut butter sandwich. You can’t have a peanut butter sandwich without the peanut butter. Put in more professional language, “Trust is the one thing that changes everything. It’s not a nice-to-have; it’s a must-have. Without it, everything… can fall, literally, into disrepair…It is choosing to risk something you value, being vulnerable to another person’s actions. (Brown, Brené; Dare to Lead, 2018.)

I always stress to my clients that what they share with me in our conversations is confidential. They can express themselves in whatever way is best for them and I’m there to be with them. “If you are angry, speak it. If you are sad, share it. If you are scared, express it. If you are joyful, lift it up. I’ll be there with you as we walk through this place and out to the other side. It’s a judgement-free zone.”

It would be devastating to me to hear a client say, “Vicky, I’m sorry but I don’t trust that what I share with you will be held safe here.” I’ve never heard that and if ever I do – that means I’m not their best option for a coach. Trust is a non-negotiable component of a coaching relationship. The client must trust the coach, the coach must trust the client and they both must trust the process. Without trust, there is no connection.

For your consideration:

How do you intentionally connect to the humanness of your client?

The questions a coach asks do not come from a list of questions; they come from in the moment. However, for this example, think of the last coaching conversation you had with a client. Which of the questions below is like one you asked your client or would like to ask your client?

• What do you hold as your gold standard when making an important decision like this?
• What connections are you making in this conversation that will serve you well in the future?
• What’s the title of the book that best describes you at this moment in time?