How do you feel? How many times in your life has someone asked you that question? And, how clear were you on articulating how you were feeling? As a child, I’m not certain how I was taught to express my feelings. Sure, I knew to say, “That hurt my feelings.” Or “That makes me mad.” Or “I feel sad.” Or “I’m so happy and excited!” Yet, I’m not sure the degree to which I had the opportunity to go deeper in expressing those emotions. Now don’t get me wrong, I had caring and loving parents who grew up in an era where most people we knew did not talk about their emotions much less explore them. And it is highly likely that the same lack of discussion about emotions was happening in the workplace. Thank goodness times have changed, at least for those of us in the people business. We now know that emotions have a huge impact on how we think, lead and live.

As a coach, it is my responsibility to listen for emotions coming forward from my clients and to walk with them as we explore their emotions together, if they agree to do so.

Here is an example: Bill (not his real name) is a leader in a school district somewhere in the USA. During a recent coaching conversation, Bill expressed a sense of defeat. His job was not turning out in the way he imagined, and he felt at a crossroads. Would he just give up and leave his position or would he look for ways to feel the energy to move forward? Notice that two things were being expressed in this example. First – Bill was expressing a challenging situation with his work. Second – he was looking for ways within himself to best deal with the challenging situation. Here is an example from the coaching conversation. Notice how emotions come forward in the conversation.

Bill: I don’t know what to do. It seems like nothing I do will satisfy my supervisor. I feel closed in and disrespected.

Coach: As you said that, your voice lowered, and you got quieter. What was happening internally for you as you described feeling closed in and disrespected?

Bill: It felt like a place I don’t want to be. It’s hard to breathe there. I don’t want to feel like that.

Coach: How do you want to feel?

Bill: I want to feel valued and like I’m making a difference.

Coach: You sound different as you said that. What insight is that bringing forward about you?

Bill: I’ve been in tough situations before, and I can do this. I will address this challenge with belief in myself and my ability to adjust internally to better serve in my position and to meet my supervisor’s needs. I know he is an outstanding educator.

Notice that the coach was with Bill as he expressed his emotions and did not try to fix Bill or advise him. Nor was the coach attempting to interpret the emotions for Bill. Thus, the reason the coach asked what was happening for Bill when his voice tone lowered and got quieter as he spoke about his challenging situation. Bill most likely was not even aware that his tone and pace had changed. When a coach holds up observations about what he or she is hearing or observing from the client, it offers great potential for insight for the client. Here is the point of this example – Stay present and listen for emotions, both spoken and unspoken. Then, ask about them – be curious and stay calm and centered on the client.

What connections are you making to this message as you go about your daily work and life? And what emotions were you experiencing as you read the example? Remember – emotions are reactions to what people are experiencing in certain situations. As coaches and coach leaders, we are not equipped to analyze or interpret the emotions that seem to be coming forward. We can, however, ask about them as in the example above.