“Empathy is not connecting to an experience.
Empathy is connecting to the emotions that underpin an experience.”

Brené Brown’s, Dare to Lead, speaks to a survival skill for pushing through this difficult time. The COVID-19 experience has opened up a range of emotions some of which we have never felt before. Brené says, “When the heart is open and free and we’re connected to our emotions and understand what they’re telling us, new worlds open up for us, including better decision making and critical thinking, and the powerful experiences of empathy, self-compassion, and resilience.” Certainly, this is a time where we need clarity around the decisions we are making about our health and safety.

Further, she says this about the skill of empathy – “Empathy is not connecting to an experience. Empathy is connecting to the emotions that underpin an experience.” And, empathy is different from sympathy. Empathy is feeling with people. Sympathy is feeling for them. Empathy fuels connection while sympathy drives disconnection.

This clever YouTube clip illustrates perfectly the difference between the two.

Instead of “Wow, that’s bad, I feel sorry for you”, (jumping in the boat with them), we would say, “me too!” as if to imply, I’m here with you. One says, “I see you and I’m here with you” while the other one says, “I know. Isn’t it pitiful?”

The five elements of the skill of empathy include:

1. To see the world as others see it, or perspective taking
2. To be nonjudgmental
3. To understand another person’s feelings
4. To communicate your understanding of that person’s feelings
5. Mindfulness

Section Four of Dare to Lead discusses each element more completely. In addition, the chapter shows the inexplicable connection between Shame and Empathy. Uncommon times call for uncommon strategies.

How are you using empathy to create connections to the emotions of others during this unusual time?

Brené Brown, Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. (New York, NY: Random House 2018)