“Coaching gives people a safe space to be themselves with all their emotions and moods.”

Marcia Reynolds
Coach the Person, Not the Problem, 2020

This month we have been talking about emotions – yours and mine. Why the emphasis on our emotions? Because it is an expectation of a coach to develop and maintain the ability to regulate one’s emotions and to emotionally prepare for coaching sessions.

Envision yourself in conversation with another person and all of a sudden you see and even sense that the person is becoming emotional. What are you supposed to do? Here are five points to consider before and during the conversation:

1. Choose how you want to feel when coaching others.
   “Because your emotions have more impact than your words, you must consciously choose how you want to feel before you meet with your client,” says Marcia Reynolds (2020). Refer to our January blog for ideas about ways to choose the emotions you desire to have. There is strong evidence that taking a few minutes to prepare yourself before a conversation serves both you and your client. Clear your mind, visualize releasing whatever is taking up mental space for you. Take a few deep breaths and focus on positive thoughts and images, before you step into the conversation.
2. Be aware of your own biases.
   That may sound harsh and yet it is a reality that we all have them. They show up as possible judgments that come forward as we are listening to a client, or any person. Let’s say that your client is upset with a colleague. You listen to the client and witness the emotions they express, both verbally and non-verbally, and yet you wonder if the client is making a mountain out of a molehill. That wonder is judgment. When you feel a judgment, let it go. This is not about you. Remember that we all have judgments and yet there is no place for judgments in coaching. It has been said that if you are unaware of your judgments, then you have blind spots (Reynolds, 2020). Remember that the focus of the conversation is on the client and his or her emotions. When you feel a judgment coming forward, recognize it and let it go.
3. Recognize that offering a safe and trusting place for a person to think may elevate emotions.
   If you follow the International Coaching Federation (ICF), then you know that there are two coaching markers, under the coaching competency of Cultivates Trust and Safety, that specifically address this. They are:
   
   * Coach shows support, empathy or concern for the client.
   * Coach acknowledges and supports the client’s expression of feelings, perceptions, concerns, beliefs or suggestions.
   
   It’s amazing what takes place when people feel they are not judged and that you show concern and empathy for them. They can relax and be honest with you and with themselves. And, for many of us, when we relax in reflective conversations, emotions seem to elevate and tears may appear.
4. Feel the emotions with the client and then release them so that you can be of service to the client. Many times, within our seminars, as we are modeling an authentic coaching conversation with a participant (we don’t do role-playing), that person will begin to tear up. Someone else in the room will rush to offer caring affection, bringing tissues and hugs with them. That is not coach-like behavior. Remember that the person does not need saving. They need a space to be with their own emotions. So, what do we do? We sit quietly. We give them space – silence. And, then, as appropriate, we might ask, “What is happening for your right now?” It may be beneficial, if they want, for the person to talk about what is underneath the emotions that are surfacing. If they don’t want to respond, we don’t push.
5. Offer a paraphrase that reflects back the essence of what you are sensing and then check to see how accurate your reflection is. You listen, without judgment, and then you speak. It might sound like one of these:
   
   * “It’s evident that you care deeply about your team and it seems like there is a sense of regret for your actions in the meeting. How accurate is that?”
   * “You seem angry and sad at the same time and it sounds like you are not ready to let these feelings go. How does that sound as you hear it back?”
   * “It feels like there is a sense of loss in what you are saying. How does that feel to you?”
   
   What comes after your question may reveal the real feelings of the person. That in turn, may lead to what they want to do about those feelings. Remember, it will be up to them.

As you reflect on this article, what connections are you making with the way you support others who are expressing elevated emotions, whether they are slight or significant? There are certainly more areas to consider when dealing with your emotions and those with whom you coach. It is my hope that something in the article is speaking directly to you. And, if it is, what are you thinking you will do with the message? Want to know more about coach-like behaviors to use when dealing with elevated emotions? Join one of our upcoming seminars and see what a difference it makes in your life and the lives of those you love and serve.