Words Matter – Stepping into Your Own Self-Talk
As a leader, you know the power of listening – seeking to hear, understand, and respect what another is saying, whether you agree or not. This is a must skill for today’s leaders, as well as an important life skill. Married to your listening skill is your ability to speak with clarity and respect as you respond to others. Yet what about the way you talk to yourself, especially when you are stressed or disappointed, when emotions are high?
The late Dr. Mark Goulston, psychiatrist, executive coach, and author of Just Listen (2010), was a guest speaker at a conference RCG held some years back. He said that it is important to identify the emotions you are feeling and put words to those emotions. For example, “I’m angry!” or “I’m afraid.” Or “I’m mad as hell!” Goulston said, “By naming your emotions, this begins to cool down the amygdala, the threat sensor in our brain, and allows the prefrontal cortex to activate and begin to think logically.” And this shift from feeling threat to a more relaxed state can happen in a matter of minutes, said Goulston, if you are aware of ways to calm your brain. And from personal experience, expressing strong emotions may best serve you to do so in privacy or with a skilled coach. After all, as we mentioned in our second book, it’s best to eliminate or reduce regret responses, meaning responses you later regret making.
So, it’s okay to express strong emotions of disappointment, shock or whatever is happening to you, while never attacking yourself or throwing in the towel.
Interestingly, research from the Center for Creative Leadership suggests that leaders talk to themselves as they would a good friend (again privately), even talking in second person rather than first person. This would sound like, “Pat, you can do this. You know what and how to do it.”
Here are a few more examples and let’s pretend that you are Jay.
| Emotions/Behaviors | Private Response |
| You lost your cool in a meeting and shouted at a colleague. | You take a deep breath and say to yourself, “Okay Jay, you did not handle that well and next time you will remember to breathe and choose your words carefully.” |
| You mess up on a presentation to a civic group and want to run off the stage crying. | You breathe deeply and say to yourself, “Jay, you can do this. You know this presentation and the people here are interested in what you have to say. Yes, you missed that one point, yet look at all the other points that were right on target. Let’s keep going.” |
| You become frustrated when working on your computer and want to throw in the towel and give up. | You pause and say, “This is frustrating! I can’t get this dog-gone document to work the way I want! Well, wait a minute, Jay. So, you are having some challenges right now. What have you learned about ways to deal with frustrations? Yes, let’s step away and get a drink of water, walk around a little, and then come back to finish this work. You can do it!” |
Here are a few points to remember about self-talk:
- Do not call yourself names. For example, “Stupid! You should know better!” If you find yourself doing this, stop and shift to a more constructive way of dealing with your personal frustration.
- Do not blame others when you make a mistake or get upset. Example: “She made me yell out!” Really, she made you yell out? Remember, you are in control of you.
- How you speak to yourself impacts the way you speak to others.
What’s becoming clearer to you about the power of your own self-language? What are you willing to try that aligns with positive self-talk?
