People sometimes ask us, “Why do you place such a strong emphasis on paraphrasing in your work? We do it for multiple reasons and one important one is to connect to the emotions expressed by the speaker. In order to connect to the emotions, you must first feel those emotions. For without those feelings, you are unable to provide an empathetic response to the person who is sharing with you.

Brené Brown has studied vulnerability and shame for years. We respect her work and advocate for her findings that support healthier living and leading. Below are three important points Brown offers in her book Dare to Lead that focus on empathy. Of these three points, which one(s) are speaking the strongest to you for growth opportunities?

1. Empathy is not connecting to an experience; it’s connecting to the emotions that underpin an experience. You don’t have to have had an experience exactly like the one the person is expressing. As Brown says, “If you’ve ever felt grief, disappointment, shame, fear, loneliness, or anger, you’re qualified. Now you just need the courage to practice and build your empathy skills.” Brown goes on to say, “Empathy is a choice. And it’s a vulnerable choice, because if I were to choose to connect with you through empathy, I would have to connect with something in myself that knows that feeling. In the face of a difficult conversation, when we see that someone’s hurt or in pain, it’s our instinct as human beings to try to make things better. We want to fix, we want to give advice. But empathy isn’t about fixing, it’s the brave choice to be with someone in their darkness—not to race to turn on the light so we feel better.”
   
   Example: You happen upon a colleague sitting alone crying. You know not to ask a lot of questions and so you sit beside her and put your hand gently on her arm. She looks up and sees you and begins to talk, giving you details of what has happened. As she takes a breath to wipe the tears from her eyes, you say, “This is hard news to receive. You love your daughter deeply and this hurts your heart.” How did you know to say that? You listened and could feel the deep pain the colleague was experiencing. You knew your role was to listen and just be with her.
   
   
2. See the world through the other person’s eyes or from their perspective. Try stepping into their world and respect their perspective – rather than trying to see it from your perspective. That’s not easy to do. Brown says, “One of the signature mistakes with empathy is that we believe we can take our lenses off and look through the lenses of someone else. We can’t. Our lenses are soldered to who we are. What we can do, however, is honor people’s perspectives as truth even when they’re different from ours.” This calls for us to be the “learner” and not the “knower” as we listen to the other person. Empathy comes as we are learners, seeking to understand the other person’s truth.
   
   Example: You are meeting with a parent about her child who is having difficulties getting along with other students. You begin the conversation by using words and a tone of voice that expresses your sincere desire to support the student in having a more positive experience at school. You see such great potential in him. The mother begins to talk and says that they are currently living in a shelter and she is working long hours trying to make enough money to survive. You listen and when it’s time for you to talk, you say, “I can’t imagine how difficult these times are for you. In listening to you talk, it’s so evident that you love your son deeply and also want to figure out how best to support his emotional needs during this tough time.” The parent indicates she feels understood and is now willing to open up and talk about best approaches to use in working with her son.
   
   
3. Be Non-judgmental. We use this word so often in coaching and yet – our brain is scanning for safety all the time. It’s like – “this is good – a.k.a – safe”. Brown says, “Based on research, there are two ways to predict when we are going to judge: We judge in areas where we’re most susceptible to shame, and we judge people who are doing worse than we are in those areas. So if you find yourself feeling incredibly judgmental about appearance, and you can’t figure out why, that’s a clue that it’s a hard issue for you…Staying out of judgment means being aware of where we are the most vulnerable to our own shame, our own struggle. The good news is that we don’t judge in areas where we feel a strong sense of self-worth and grounded confidence, so the more of that we build, the more we let go of judgment.
   
   Example: You are coaching a teacher who tends to complain a lot as she is talking. On this particular day, she is voicing her disdain for the new curriculum. She expresses her desire to use the same plans that she has been using for the last five years, even though the expectations are that teachers use the new curriculum. You remember to refrain from judgment and listen to understand from her perspective. When it’s time for you to respond, you remember to witness her feelings even if you don’t agree. You say, “You care deeply about the lessons you have created for your students and it’s evident you don’t want to leave them behind. It seems like it feels as if you would be leaving part of you behind.” Yes, we can ask questions later about ways she might possibly carry some of the ideas over as you move toward the use of the new required curriculum. Yet first, we will remember to offer her an empathetic response.

There’s a lot more to understanding best ways to deepen our skills in the use of empathy. Most likely, these three points have touched a tender spot for you. What do you want to do as a result of reading this brief nugget that will deepen your use of empathy?